B2 5v5 UNIFIED Preseason Rankings
by Jason on
B2 5v5 WINTER 2024 PREVIEW
Alright, we’ve got 4 B2 5v5 divisions and 36 total teams. I’m ranking where I think teams should fall within their division AND their overall ranking. If this futile? Probably! Do I want to give you all plenty of fodder to feel disrespected?? ABSOLUTELY!
Division Rank (B2 Rank) Team Name - Blurb
MONDAY
This league is top heavy. It’s got two bonafide juggernauts with a handful of teams trying to make a name for themselves are some up and down play the last couple seasons. Oh and 3 completely brand new squads to really shake things up!
12 (36) Himmy Turner - Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a new team in the CAC Universe. We all have to start somewhere. Most of us start with more than 5 guys on a roster and one google-able name that works for Draft Kings. I mean, help me out here!
11 (35) Last Chance U - Another almost all rookie team, Nana Adu played last season, but it was with 1-8 Bricksquad, so I’m not sure how much stock I should put into that. Probably none? Wada Salah Eldin’s pfp of zion doesn’t fool me!
10 (33) Lexington Steals - Ever since Gordon Santry left the franchise, the Steals have been in shambles. You know, that time he played 1 game and scored 25 points! They happened to win 4 games that season? Coincidence? PROBABLY! They’ve got just 3 total wins to their name the last two seasons and I don’t see many more on the horizon unless some big time moves were made this offseason.
9 (29) The Lab - They haven’t played since W23 when they went 4-5 and their leading scorer had less than 15ppg. I see that team captain Eric Franfort has added 3 true CAC Rookies into the mix, but they better bring some fire power with them. This division is top heavy, so making the playoffs might not take more than a coupe wins. Which is probably good since it’s hard to see a lot of wins. But honestly, I feel like I’m being a little mean here…
8 (28) Corner Three - Look, you come in as a new team, you name drop Shea Whalen and you’re getting a bit more respect than your typical batch of rookies. There is legit no reason for me to rank them this high, other than Nick Fothergill said “Shea Whalen sent us” and honestly, that’s good enough for me.
7 (26) WE HAVE FUN - They’re trending up! 1 win in the S23 season followed by 3 in the F23 season projected to…hmmm, maybe 2 this season? No check that, looking at their regular season schedule they avoid Gino Time, they warm up with a rookie team and they have two winnable games in their first three weeks. WHY NOT THEM?!?!
6 (21) Thank You University - 4-5 & 4-5, and 1 playoff win the last two seasons. The epitome of the average team and they’re running back the same roster, as far as I know. Greg won’t answer any of my emails. Is this how it feels from the other side? Wow that sucks, I’ll be better…
5 (18) - Big Baller Brand - I had this team ranked 9th after a 3-7 effort in the WED division last season. Then I actually looked at the roster a little bit. They’ve got 4 CAC Rookies, and one of them has a picture of a BC football player. Using the google machine, that same player also happens to have an instagram of himself in a texans uniform. Now, I’m no expert, but you bring a legit athlete into this league that, even if basketball is his 5th best sport, his biceps still look like they’d pop me like an adalescent white head, i can’t possibly rank them in the lower half of the league. Sorry, those are the rules.
4 (15) - Los Market Baskets - First I had them ranked 8th. Then I had them ranked 6th. Then I took a look around the league and said, fuck it, top 4 team! I can’t discount their championship experience. Yes, you can say that they’re Corporate titles and you can discount them. but during both title runs they took out undefeated juggernauts along the way. that’s grit, that’s championship meddle! One season they barely average 40 ppg, another, almost 60. I think they’re going to be ok in this league! SAUS transitioned well, why can’t they too! Oh have I mentioned that their first game of the season is against juggernaut Gino Time? What a rude welcoming to the league. What kind of jerk would do that?!?
3 (14) The Unreliables - Honestly it’s one of the most apt names in CAC Basketball. This team went 4-5 in the regular season and then knocked off BOTH 1 loss teams on their way to the MON title last season. The season prior? just 2 regular season wins and a missed playoff spot. It’s going to take at least 3 regular season wins to get into the playoffs in a 12 team league. If you see them as your opponent in the regular season, maybe you feel good about your chances, but playoffs ?
2 (8) SAUS - This team scraps, this team fights, it’s never pretty but they just get it done. Michel Nofal is a PROBLEM. Last season he was 1st in scoring and 3s made in this division. He gets to the line, he passes the rock, he gets boards, you HAVE to contain him if you want to beat SAUS. It’s much easier said than done.
1 (2) Gino Time - Some might scoff at this #2 overall ranking, Last season they were 10-1 before falling in the B2 5v5 MON Finals. The season before, they were 11-1 and WON the B2 5v5 MON. If they’re in you’re division, they’re the overwhelming favorite, I’m sorry, they just are. I think THIS is the season that they finally break through. I want this for big Greg Eusden, I NEED it for him. The man is a walking double double its time for his CHIP!
TUESDAY
This league is legit. Precovid, Tuesday at the Cambridge Y was always the most loaded division top to bottom. Now on the new CCC court it’s nearly as loaded. New teams coming into this league have their hands full. If you’re unlucky enough to draw the top teams as the teams you face twice? Good luck.
8 (32) Shrek & His Lads - Look, i’ve got nothing on this team. No one uploaded an intimidating pfp of them playing college football, no one had an obviously googleable name. They’re all generic white guys as far as I can tell. Did Gordon Santry play lacrosse at Colgate against Gerard Lacerte from Bently?!? Does Matt Laffin sell insurance? Probably, those are all white ass names! I got nothing basketball related here
7 (26) Hoop Dreams - Andre Jones is back! He took a season off and has been stealing draft league players left and right to try and form a juggernaut. I just don’t know if it’s going to work here. You need top end draft league guys to compete in B2 5v5 and, well, Andre is no Harry at the recruiting game.
6 (22) Bears - I always have a hard time telling teams where to start. I want them to always try B2 first, but sometimes, I team comes along like the Bears that insist B1 is the way to go. So they struggle through a 2-8 season before realizing “Hey, that Tibbs guy knows what he’s talking about, maybe we SHOULD have played B2!” THEN they jump out to a 4-2 start in B2 and think, we’ve got this shit on lock, before dropping 3 games to end the regular season below .500. So here they are again, have they learned from the last 2 seasons? Well, there’s only 1 team of all of CAC Basketball’s 111 this Winter season not to have uploaded a roster yet, and that’s Ted Blake’s. I have no idea what to expect! Has he added scoring around Danny Shapiro to lighten his load? Is Danny even playing??? For the love of god will SOMEONE hell Will Estes out on the boards? No? WE DON”T KNOW BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE THE ROSTER TED!!!
5 (19) Splash City - This team doesn’t have a lot of offense. Doesn’t make a lot of 3s but feasts at the line. They’re a .500 club, I don’t see them as more than that, but really, what do I know!? Maybe because they finally have their requests of mostly late games made they’ll play better? Let’s see!
4 (16) Make A Swish Foundation - Now there’s a name I’ve not heard in many years. SWISH IS BACK! It’s been what, since 2018? Don’t let this team sneak up on you, they’re going to be a contender if they’ve got a lot of the same pieces they used to have.
3 (9) Julius Swerving - His is pure hate and motivation for Will Otto’s club. They’re always at the top of their leagues and honestly if you have any of the top 3 in a different order, I can’t really blame you. This team wins a minimum of 8 games every single season
2 (7) Eastie Hoops - Eastie Hoops is yet another classic B tweener team. They dominate B2 in Spring 23, going 8-1 before losing in the divisional final. They want a step up in competition so they play B1 in the Fall 23 season and promptly go 2-8, so here they are the next season back in B2. It’s more fun to win than to lose right? However with this absolutely LOADED division, I wouldn’t crown them champs automatically.
1 (3) Plenty of Lotion - Miyagi-Fang took their talents to B1, and rightfully so. These old guys just keep winning. Honestly I don’t know how they do it. Do you know Drew Debari plays AND scores at another gym on Tuesday nights and still finds time to lead this team to victory week after week?! That shouldn’t be possible, he’s almost 40! Why are you people letting him do that you?? Jeff Yeakley, also in the over-40 club, leads this team in scoring with around 15 per game. Usually that wouldn’t be enough to get it done in a loaded league, but Lotion always just finds ways to win.
WEDNESDAY
This league has the #1 overall team in B2 5v5, and yet I have them ranked 3rd out of the 4 divisions. If TAP All-Stars weren’t the defending B2 5v5 Uni Champs the question would be “Is TAP so good because they play in a weak division” instead of “Can TAP repeat as champs without being put through the weekly test that other teams go through?” It’s kind of like being the Pats from 03-18.
8 (34) The Pirates (Reloaded) - I feel like the Pirates have promised to be reloaded for like 3 straight seasons now but what do i know. Kinda feels like the Pats from 19-22. “Oh we’ll be better on that side of the ball, we won’t hire a defensive coordinator as our offensive coordinator again, trust us!” And yet, what do I know? I’m not genius, I’m not round ball guru. That seems to be a theme running across these previews. What, exactly, do I know?!
7 (31) Cheese Boys - They don’t have more than 2 wins in any of the last three seasons. Do I really need to type any more?
6 (24) Team Ahern - This might have no interest to any of you, but there was HUGE drama on the B Draft W24 Draft Board on Thursday night. Now I know why Cam Letalien didn’t draft his buddy Eric Bauman. According to Team Ahern’s roster, Bauman has CUT his buddy Cam between the F23 and W24 season. I wouldn’t take my captain in another league if he did that to me either. Friendships have definitely ended over similar insults. Now, I’m sure expectations were high for Team Ahern last season and a 5-6 record might not have been how they wanted to represent themselves, but for Cam to be the guy to take the fall? That seems harsh. No wonder Cam returned the favor in B Draft.
5 (22) Tim and the Bombers - how many ithaca bombers are on this team ?! I don’t care if they were all bench warmers, if only 1/3 of the league is made up of players that have any college experience and half of your team has those players, you’re going to be in a good position heading into the season. You’re certainly going to get more respect than any other rookie team has the right to get.
4 (20) Handler’s Handlers - Is this the weakest B2 division? Survey says?!? No! but just barely
3 (13) Bob Ross in the Paint - a lot of names i recognize, but no stats, so that means everyone played pre 2023. Could i fire up the way back machine and do more research? Yes! It is 11 pm on a friday night and i’m nursing the very last of my eggnog for the 2023-24 Holiday season? also yes! HOWEVER. I bought my first carton of eggnog the 2nd week of September, and I’m still drinking it the 2nd week of January. That’s FOUR MONTHS of eggnog availability. I HAVE WON!
2 (11) The Somerville Basketball Team - I’m not thrilled that this is my #2 ranked squad. 15-14 combined the last 3 seasons but I just don’t see another squad belonging in this spot. Wildly inconsistent and based on historical precedence actually in line for a down season. Yikes.
1 (1) TAP All-Stars - I’m not going to over think this though. It’s not like every other aspect of my life. I don’t care that this isn’t one of the stronger B2 division. This is the best team in all of B2 hands down. I also don’t care that the Marino’s and Valacer can’t make free throws. It doesn’t matter. this team is too god damn good and I’m am sick of it. Someone (preferably from within this division) knock them off this season!
THURSDAY
This is my top ranked division in all of B2 5v5! Half the teams are in the top 10, two more in the teams, and even the last place team in this division could raise hell on any other night.
8 (30) Tomahawks - Just a brutal division for Ian McGuiness and his boys to return to. They really wanted Monday nights but it was full. Bummer for them.
7 (24) Terminator - All the talent in the world but haven’t put it together in the B2 leagues. It is unacceptable that this collection of talent has just 8 wins total the last three seasons. Is it time for a change at the top? Why’s Ralph Maalouf still in control of the franchise?? Zach Taylor, Carl Bunge, and Fozan Sadiq have all shared the court at different times the last 2 seasons, all are capable of popping off for 30 at a minutes notice, and yet they’re sitting on 5 total wins! UNACCEPTABLE! When do fans of the Terminator Franchise take to twitter to demand Ralph step down?? It’s time for a new voice
6 (17) A Team Has No Name - I am finding it comical that perennial .500 team, that can beat anyone any given week, is ranked 6th in this division. Team captain Michael Chroney leads the way in scoring, but if they want to break into the top half of the league, a guy like Eric Bradanese is going to have to pour in a few more points each game. I really, really love that Ben Seyoum is always looking to get his teammates shots in the perfect spot to score, but he’s going to need to be more of a scoring lead guard in this league. The top offenses are just too good in this league. Feed yourself first Ben, then make sure everyone else eats.
5 (12) Markit Basketball - A B1 team dropping down usually has absurdly high expectations. If you can pick up a couple wins, have a few double digit scorers in B1, with all that size and solid guard play, you should roll over most B2 teams. Well this division is NOT most B2 divisions. Peter Chang might have told his boys that there are more wins and blowouts on the horizon, but I think they’ll have tougher than expected sledding in this league. And that’s not a bad thing!
4 (10) NNHS - just a stunning turnaround for NNHS in the Fall 23 season, from an afterthought in the Spring to absolutely STUNNING the league and winning the division in the Fall. And for that, even in this loaded division, I’ve got to put some respect on their name. Can they bring the heat week in and week out or was that magical month of December just a mirage.
3 (6) Furious Rim Ticklers - There’s a lot of overlap between Drew Debari’s Thursday team and the Tuesday team (Plenty of Lotion) but looking back, you can tell this is the tough division. FRT went just 6-6 last season. Still I think this is one of the top overall teams in B2, the new guys just know how to win.
2 (5) Hartbreakers - You’d think that there’s no way a team that dropped down from A 5v5 wouldn’t be ranked #1 in a B2 division, but honestly when I first was putting this together I had them #3 in the THU league. When you’re missing Phil (the true engine of the Heartbreakers franchise, always has been) and Jarvis, what’s left? Well a former B2 champ i suppose. Tucker Landy is still here on a part-time basis, and he’s going to drop 20+ any time he is. Anyone who averages 15+ in A 5v5 is going to get his in B2, they just are. I don’t care how old, lazy, uninterested, sick of his teammates the guy is. He’s going to get his. Oh Devin Jensen is back too? jesus this is a B1 team what am I doing?
1 (4) The Clever Trevors - Fall 23 was their breakout season, it was the time that Tony Calletti was going to vault himself into the stratosphere of CAC stars and NNHS ruined it, rampaging a path through the playoffs to win the division and crush Clever Trevor’s season. Tony was at 15/4/4 and leading them to the title! He was even hitting 37% from 3. Unreal that they couldn't get it done last season. Now they're back, reloaded with a couple rookies and pissed off, ready to climb the mountain top once again.